The Stories Within Us

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the Sun has risen - not only because I see it, but because by it, I see everything else." C.S. Lewis  

The Farmer was up at daybreak last Monday morning to load a Hereford steer onto the livestock trailer so he could head to the beef processor before his work phone started ringing. The day before as I was filling up the water trough in the cow field, the steer moseyed over for a drink. While he lapped up the water with his huge tongue I thanked him for his sacrifice. In supplying our family with food his life possessed great worth, purpose, and meaning.  

"Thank you, Buddy. I'll see you on the other side." 

Animals give so much to mankind in the way of friendship, protection, nourishment, clothing, joy, and if we have ears to hear and eyes to see a reason for God. 

Sadly, they were subjected to their fallen state because of us. ( Romans 8:20-21 ) Some animals however, seem to hold a measure of compassion and forgiveness toward humans. Dogs, favorite cows and possibly a few cats. 

Last year I experienced two difficult losses. After a long, never long enough, productive life here at Healing Brook, leaving behind a legacy embodied in the shape of ten adorable litters of puppies and a stellar guarding record of the farm and his food bowl, my lovable Atlas died in July. 

When the end was near I was able to cradle that big old head in both hands and tell him no other dog will ever live up to him. Although his grandson Aslan is gaining much ground, Atlas was simply the best.

I was reminded of the Elizabeth Barrett Browning quote: "His ears were often the first thing to catch my tears." It wasn't the first time Atlas caught my tears, but it was the last. 

In November I found myself again cradling the big head of yet another favorite animal close to death. My cow Starlight. 

Starlight was the first baby moo born here, and she had given us many healthy calves since and much joy. But this time she was pregnant with twins, and the labor did not go well. We weren't able to save her or her young. Before the end, I had "my moment" with her. Before she slipped away into the grassy cow fields of heaven, her huge, furry head was soaked in my tears and snot. 

Since my spiritual awakening five years ago and the desire to pursue my faith with more of an academic passion, I've found that in chasing God with my mind and not only my heart has actually helped to make sense of the desires, both good and bad, residing in my heart. Sound biblical doctrine has slowly reordered the loves of my heart, helping to identify and banish the idols that lived there while at the same time driving the Gospel deeper into the empty crevices vacated by the inordinate loves.  

One new love is the study of Christian Apologetics. ( Defending the faith ) I never realized there were so many subsections in this field, nor did I realize until my sabbatical that my life long curiosity in stories and especially the same apparent story in all of us, is actually a thing: "Narrative Apologetics." 

No matter what apologetic course we choose, the longing for transcendence deep in the human soul points us to God even if many in our current culture need to be awakened first beneath the heavy blankets of doubt, unbelief, fear, and hopelessness. 

Someone prayed for me to wake up, so now, I pray for others. I want to encourage the uncovering of these existential questions and administer permission to breathe and feel them; denying they exist in our human experience doesn't make them disappear. The self-deception only adds to the angst and existential despair we feel whether we believe in the existence of God or not. Christians face doubts too. I see now that God allows this and even leads us this way at times. 

A healthy faith keeps studying and asking questions, plunging the depths to grasp more and more of God. 

Saying we arrived at our current destination by the strong eating the weak and now we must stop all of that cannibalism and start loving each other doesn't work for me. And I don't think it works for you either. I don't think it works for the 'new atheists' like Richard Dawkins even though they don't have the guts to admit it like the older atheists. Bertrand Russell, Aldous Huxley, and even Nietzsche at least had the integrity to admit that in subtracting God out of the equation of life we also subtract out our very basis for morality. 

But no matter what areas we embrace to appeal to our Christian faith, I can't help but wonder if God is shouting to us through nature and paradoxically through the allowance of suffering, questions, and divine hiddenness: "Here I am! Here I am!" Before we can hear his voice we have to have the courage and integrity to awaken to the questions inside of us and wiggle out of our comfortable sleeping bags. 

Why is there something and not nothing? Have you really ever thought about nothing? It's not black or empty or dark because black and empty and dark are something. Why is there beauty? Why do we feel a connection to others and to animals? Why are the same stories inside of all of us? Why these longings? 

Could these yearnings and glimpses of mystery and beauty be bread crumbs guiding us to something wonderful and warm and deliciously hopeful beyond this world? 

In an effort to shorten my blogs, I'm stopping here, but I'll take this up in my next post. 

Recently, I encountered another sad loss - my friend Bernie. Bernie passed away January 22nd at the age of 87. He read each of my blogs, and then waited to discuss them with me at church. His interest in my abstract wonderings meant a lot. And why is that? He asked many questions concerning the things I wrote ( one bluntly being, why are your blogs so long? lol ) while leaving me with many things to think about. So in memory of Bernie, I'm working on conciseness. I will miss his friendship and encouragement greatly. 

"Thank you, Buddy, I'll see you on the other side." 

Atlas the Great