Dark Night of the Soul

"Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, 

whose sin is covered. 

Blessed is the man against whom the LORD counts no iniquity, 

and in whose spirit there is no deceit.

For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away

through my groaning all day long.

For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;

my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer." ( Psalm 32:1-4 ) 

I feel as if I could have written this Psalm of David. In 2018, this was my life. After years of abusing alcohol as a closet, functioning alcoholic after my sister's death, everything in my life was about to explode. I'm not sharing many details of that journey because I've written my testimony before. Suffice to say, I tried to get out from under the weight of guilt and shame and addiction and no amount of my own effort could even budge the weight or lift the darkness that had become my constant companion. I really thought I was about to lose my mind. 

The sin, though hidden to almost everyone, never hidden in the least to God, began to permeate throughout my family and my farm, as sin spreads like wildfire, an unrelenting inferno which no human can ever hope to control. It was the rainiest year on record with many loses of animals trapped in the thick mud that resulted from the constant storms. I was a horrific example to my oldest son who drank to battle a mental illness. And the list goes on. 

I had allowed something into my life that had become more important to me than God, and now I couldn't get rid of it. No matter how hard I tried. 

As I attempted to sleep one evening in January of 2019, tossing and turning in a dark night of the soul, I came to the end of myself. I cried out to God not just from my pain, but I cried out over my sin. 

"I acknowledged my sin to you,

and I did not cover my iniquity,

I said, ' I will confess my transgression to the LORD,'

and you forgave the iniquity of my sin." ( verse 5 ) 

I didn't go to a faith-healer or a demon slayer or a conference or a revival. I was alone on my knees. There was no fanfare or power shooting throughout my body, in fact, I didn't feel a thing except utter humility and neediness and sorrow for my disobedience to the God who had created me and the Jesus who bore my sin and shame. 

The next morning when I woke up, the weight was gone. I've never been the same since. I believe I was saved that night, although some others, including the Farmer, believe it was a "spiritual awakening." I don't have that part quite figured out yet. I just know that God draws all of his children uniquely; I've heard a multitude of conversion stories, all beautiful, some immediate, some over time, all by the way of the cross. 

Even though storms are still allowed to make landfall - it's different now. I know beyond all doubt that I am a true believer with new affections since that day to serve God and Christ who saved me by his grace. He is my trust. 

At times my passion for the gospel and new learning of Scripture has caused my head to get out in front of my heart as the truth seemed to slowly bottleneck its way to my heart. In time, the doctrines of grace overwhelmed me with the love of Christ, ( biblical doctrine truly is the source of our devotion; it can't help but spring out of it ), as I journey on this path of life with the other "saints in light." ( Colossians 1:12 ) 

So, although the desire to drink alcohol is gone and has not returned, the Holy Spirit began to reveal other sins to me over time that were hidden within my heart. This transformation lasts until we fly home to Jesus. Alcohol is not bad in and of itself, after all, Jesus turned water into wine, but it is the inordinate affection of anything bad or good that is a sin. God requires our whole heart. 

Thankfully, the Holy Spirit doesn't dump all of the "purse dirt" out at once, but gradually works in us over time to transform us into the image of Christ, promising to complete the good work he began in the life of every believer at salvation. ( Philippians 1:6, 2:12 ) 

I've learned since that this process is called progressive sanctification that the Holy Spirit brings to pass out of the positional sanctification already deposited in us when he connects us to Christ. But these are theological terms I'm still gaining knowledge into; the important thing in all of this blogging today is: 

Continuing with Psalm 32:

"Therefore let everyone who is godly 

offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found;

surely in the rush of many waters,

they shall not reach him.

You are a hiding place for me;

you preserve me from trouble, 

you surround me with shouts of deliverance.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;

I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding,

which must be curbed with bit and bridle, 

or it will not stay near you.

Many are the sorrows of the wicked.

but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the LORD.

be glad in the LORD, and rejoice, O righteous,

and shout for joy, all you upright in heart!" 

( Psalm 32 ) 

"For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death." ( 2 Corinthians 7:10 ) 

"Today if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts." ( Hebrews 4:7 ) 

"Jesus came into Galilee, proclaiming the gospel of God, and saying, 'The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel.'" ( Mark 1:15 ) 

"There was a Farmer who had a dog(s)" lol and a wife who loves him also along with those big, white, lovable behemoths who grace this farm with their protection and devotion. God's creatures are amazing, aren't they?